Alone with myself

I’ve always looked, but never said a word. I’ve been always listening, but my mind spoke in a language that nobody would understand. This was the first time.

I used to be a very silent kid, usually everybody pointed out how shy I was. I used to isolate myself, not because I liked having no friends, but because nobody would ever understand me better than myself. Maybe it was the fear of what others would say, or of being wrong. It might have possibly been as well the fear of the “why” that comes after telling someone your reasons for something. I am afraid of questions and not being able to answer them, so I’ve been always better on my own. Of course this was all before “the big day”. The day in which I chose to do something I thought of without last minute regrets. It was that day which marked the rest of them and until now I don’t regret it at all.

I love watching people everywhere, I get sometimes very distracted and my teachers get mad at me. The point is that I see problems everywhere, they overwhelm me, but confidence never sees me. I have never had that little part of me; deep inside to tell me, “go for it” or “what if?” There are more than a hundred things that annoyed me and couldn’t stop. At least I write them all down in a notebook I always carry with me.

It was in that moment, when my pen stopped working. There was no more ink left since I wrote tons of things per day which scared me to react to. I had to be quick and silent so that nobody could hear my footsteps and realize I was there. Mum and dad were still fighting, they hadn’t gotten a clue I was there, but if it weren’t for those marvels on the floor, those tiny balls of glass. I fell. As my body hit the floor and grandma´s photograph fell from the night table beside me, all sound stopped. There was no more shouting, nothing but the noise of my breath. I closed my eyes and stood up. I walked to the door that separated my parents from me and took a deep breath. My hand, placed in the cold metal that would help me open the door. I felt as if I was frozen, my whole body immobilized

Somehow the door opened and mum peeped out to see if it was clear. A tension like a charge of electricity filled the room. I stuttered for a while, until I saw mum full of bruises. It hadn’t been the first time, but it made me lose my fear.

“What is wrong with you? What is it now? Is it that you forgot your reports from work today and you were told off and had a bad day and that’s why you go around blaming everybody except from you? Oh right! That was last week. Tell me dad, what is it today? Is it that you blame mum for getting pregnant again? I may look like a shy fourteen year old who doesn’t think too much, but believe me, I do. I am tired of noticing everybody´s problems and not being able to do anything, but after all though I know they should figure solutions out for themselves, I can´t keep their problems out of my mind! It isn’t my fault that because of my birth you broke economically! It wasn’t my fault that because our dog looks scary it scared Mrs. Honeymoon´s cat and that he escaped a week ago and doesn’t give a sign of coming back!  It isn’t my fault that because I think too much I cant sleep at nights, or that because whenever I see a problem I have to write it down ! or how the kitchen sink is broken and the sound of the drops falling makes me nervous so I cant be there!  And the worst thing of all is that I cannot even say a word about it because nobody would ever understand! What if I kill myself so that you debts aren’t that bad? Of course not, you would have to pay a funeral!  What if I tell Mrs. Honeymoon that our dog was the one who scared her cat, Mr. Pickles, who she´s been crying and worrying for, and that I do know that he´s not that far away from her place, he´s just scared to go down the tree he jumped on, which I can see right through my bedroom´s window, because of the water everywhere from the storm! She would hate me for knowing and not telling her! What about my teacher? If I told her that I can’t sleep well because I think too much at nights and that the only thing that keeps me awake is everything that surrounds me except for her class, would cause me to get a visit to the principal´s office! Or how can I explain you that the only reason of why I am here is that my pen´s ink, the one I use to write the problems I am afraid of confronting, run out and that my intention wasn´t to tell you all this but to get a new pen?” I said with my cheeks covered in fear. I took a deep breath. My parents were as pale as snow as if they had seen a ghost, so I continued.

“Nobody would understand me, right?” I said hoping for an answer. “Nobody would ever understand neither of my thoughts nor feelings, because nobody is aware of my existence” I left the room with a slam on the door and went to bed. That night I couldn´t sleep either. Thoughts conquered my mind. Words didn’t seem enough to explain what I felt, but what I didn´t know was that they did understand me, I wasn´t alone.

Mum and dad tried to give me more attention, only by asking me about my day, sending me to a psychologist, surrounding me by people who would only mumble words that made no sense to me or that didn’t seem relevant at all.

I was surrounded by tons of school partners as soon as my parents talked to the school about “my problem”. Anyway, nobody could understand me the way I did, and even though they were there I felt as if I was on my own.

Maybe someday someone will understand me, or I might end alone for my questions about everything, but I’d rather be alone with myself.

Lucia Miri Echavarria

Note: This was a narrative I wrote for an ESSARP Writing Competition on May 2012. The competition consisted in a two-hour period in which you were given different options so that you could pick what you were going to write about (I chose one that had to do with a door opening). I won 1st place in this competition and I am really happy about it, so I would love to share this.